All The Small Things

Who liked Blink 182 when they were younger? Just admit it - I know they're terrible now, but like Stevie Wonder before them, we shall not judge their earlier brilliance on their later awfulness. Who adored the song by Blink 182 that went 'Shit-piss-fuck-cunt-cocksucker-motherfucker-tits-fart-turd and twot'? I ask because this song directly relates to what I'm about to talk about - how awful we were as children.

I had a conversation recently with a girl at work about all the things we used to do for fun back at school, and as pants-shittingly fun as they were back then, when I look at them through my wisened eyes, I see just how dark, twisted and sick we were as children.

For example, we used to have an ongoing sort-of game where you would walk up to your friend (keep in mind we were 10) and as casually as possible say 'You dropped your gay card' before pissing ourselves with laughter when the poor victim looked. That's not delightful and innocent and full of wonder; I genuinely believed that this made them gay and I genuinely thought that was so Shakespearean in its unfortunateness that it was worth spending the rest of my break hurting myself laughing so hard at them. What the fuck mini-me?! If I was to do that now I would get stared down with such fierce disgust and disapproval from my peers that I would probably end up in the foetal position crying and begging for forgiveness. Not cool young me.

We played another game called blue murder where you get split into two teams. One team thought of a word and divided out the letters between them and the other chased them down and mercilessly beat the ever-loving shit out of them until they gave up their letter. If the entire word was guessed before break was up then the now possibly infertile team lost. Admittedly, this still seems like fun to me, but if they ever needed proof that the Lord Of The Flies was an accurate portrayal of tiny minds then I think we've found it.

I personally told a girl who I knew had a severe peanut allergy that I would ram a peanut down her throat (I can't remember why), I stole £2 from a friend snatch-and-run style just for the shits and gigs of it, and when I got caught calling a teacher drunk behind her back (keep in mind that I'm 10, I may as well have been saying she had a prom-night dumpster baby to Hitler) I said lied about a friend saying it with me just so I wouldn't have to take the full force of the punishment - I was the god-damned Antichrist!

This is where Blink 182 comes into play. That song signifies how degraded, depraved and disgusting we were as children - we liked it purely because they swore. We liked making fun of gay people because they were different, and we liked blue murder because it was full-on, brutal, unabated violence. Children are evil and should be treated as such. Sure they will do the odd cute thing like call a 'butterfly' a 'flutterby' - but does that really make up for the chaotic sado-masochistic stream of sewage spewing from their dirty, evil little minds? If they are anything like I was - and I'm sure most of you were - then I don't think it does.

Dont forget to click 'Join This Site' at the side or 'like' the Passive Aggressive Release Facebook page so that we can band together and keep a watchful eye on the 'Child Menace'. Also, if anyone wants to confess to the atrocities they committed a child please put it in the comments section!

Alcohol-Fuelled Digital Nostalgia

I have been drinking wine and looking at old photographs. This, in my experience, is never a good idea. Every photo I have was taken at a supposedly positive time (what would be the point in taking it if it wasn't, unless you worked in crime scene investigation...and even then...) The reason I don't think that it's ever a good idea is that no matter how good or bad your life may be at this particular moment in time, all of these photos from your past have a rose-tinted filter over them as far as your eyes are concerned and this will make you miss those days. This is bullshit.

I have a photo where I look like I couldn't be having more fun if I had just been gifted a crate of cocaine to snort off of the naked arses of a ship full of high-class hookers, but I remember that it was taken during the 4-5 second part of the night that wasn't awful. This is the one and only photo I have that I can definitely say this about, every other photo I look at represents Christmas-morning levels of pleasure and reminds me of how much fun this or that was, or how I never do things like that anymore, or how I wish I was still in touch with blah-blah etc. They are just fucking depressing.

Two months ago I was grooving on down dressed in masquerade. Four months ago I was dressed head to painfully-enormous heel in drag. My wild/crazy/random/embarrassing days are far from behind me, but I see one picture of a wild night out from two years ago and I start longing for the good ole' days.

THINGS WERE NOT ANY BETTER BACK THEN!!

So why do I get all nostalgic any time I see myself with a hairline and an extra chin? Because I filter out the shit. Let's look at Christmas day as an example: I remember getting and giving presents, eating enough food to feed Africa and getting drunk enough to think it's okay to talk to my family about my sexual preferences. That's it. Cooking, cleaning, arguing, waiting for family to arrive, arguing, spending an hour on the toilet, arguing - all forgotten. The difference with Christmas is that I remember only the good, then look forward to next years. It doesn't work the same for photographs, I remember the good then assume I will never have that again, and I have no idea why.

The only way I can think of to counter-balance this is to take photo's at the most inappropriate times. "It's over. I've fell in love with someone else." CLICK!
"You're dog has been horrifically ran over by a police K-9 unit on their way to a burning veterinary surgery." CLICK!
"You have cancer of the penis. It only has two limp, impotent months to live." CL*sob*ICK!

So remember when you're out next, snapping everything that happens - one day, it could be the thing that quite literally pushes you over the edge. If spiders don't get you first.

:D