14 June 2012

The Pursuit Of Sexyness

Oh hey! Sorry I didn't see you there. It's been so long I nearly forgot what you looked like...still as ugly and juvenile as ever I see. I am of course talking about the long leave of absence I have taken from writing my blog, but I'm back with a vengeance so prepare your anus, pansies.

A lot has happened since I last graced the internet – I moved to a lovely new home (again), I've had a minor promotion at work, I passed college and I saw The Avengers - but that's all boring and the mere mention of it is purely a way for me to high five myself using the English language. This is a passive aggressive release and shall be used as such.

I recently pulled a 35 year old at a family wedding because she was the only single available female that I can (now) safely say that I was not related to. After I was finished taking a long hard look at my life the morning after, it got me thinking; what is the very worst thing I have ever done in the pursuit of sex?

Was it telling a woman that I was an Optician and could totally get her a huge discount on laser eye surgery before ordering another drink for her? Was it 'randomly' talking about how I kind-of-sort-of find C-sections sexy within earshot of a woman whom I knew had had one? Thankfully all of my 'sexual predator' stories are at best shenanigan-like in their awfulness and at worst an embarrassment to myself, but I genuinely think that the very worst thing that I have ever done to sleep with a woman is go down on her and then give her a 'well...you pretty much owe me now' look as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

How insidious is that? I am 100% sure that we are all foul of it, men and women, but when you get right down and think about it, you have just bartered for sex. That makes you a god-damned whore and you should feel the appropriate levels of filthy because of it. Now please don't read this as 'Ryan only ever gives to get' because that is not the case (I am a gentle yet powerful lover who nurtures as he rocks worlds.......in my head). What has happened however is that poking you in the side with my erection for 20 straight minutes didn't work and I've had to revert to plan B before blue-ball comes hurtling towards my testees with the force of a thousand punches.

I'm not here to say stop, I'm not even here to suggest preventative measures, what I am here to do is to ask that the next time you judge someone for what they do in bed, think to yourself what awful things you yourself have done.
“I will allow you to go paintballing with your friends, but only if you put on my lace panties and assume the position.”
“I don't care that you're on your period, we'll put a towel down”
“I point blank refuse to put that in there you gross fuck. Unless you promise to do it to me first.”

We are all messed up sexually to a degree, we've all done awful things with people we either trust or are just too drunk to give a shit about and we will continue to do this until our hips refuse to let us do anything but missionary. So for the love of sexy-jesus can we please stop judging me for pulling a 35 year old by telling her that I have a C-section fetish and that I would get her a discount on laser eye surgery. Thank you.

Don't forget to 'Join This Site' at the side if you want to be instantly informed of the next time I feel ashamed of something :)