24 February 2013

Panda Porn

I spent some time thinking about this one – I'm making a come back and I want it to be more 'Take That' than 'All Saints' (I bet most of you didn't even know All Saints tried a come back. They did. Rock Steady. It's awful.) This is what I have landed upon. It's potentially my least dignified blog yet...

I have found a video online of a panda fucking Little Red Riding Hood.

Now, I'm putting this disclaimer up: if you are a family member, for the love of God and all that is Holy, do not reading any further. Just don't. If you do read any further (and it is perverse if you do), then don't tell me. I don't care if you get drunk at Christmas and are just dying to talk about it, what I am about to divulge is not an appropriate subject to broach over turkey and stuffing...or ever. If you really are that curious about where this is going, just keep it to yourself. Forever.

So, I found this video. Don't ask me what I typed into the search bar to find it, that's between me and my therapist. What is important is the game of chicken that I played with my brain in the seconds after my eyes glazed over it:

BRAIN: Mate...I bet you can't get off on that.

ME: What? Why the fuck would I even try to you sick bastard!

BRAIN: Firstly, if you don't, you're always going to wonder 'What if...'.

ME: There are some things that even I won't do.

BRAIN: Maybe, but this isn't one of them.

ME: How do you know?

BRAIN: You are currently in the middle of lighting candles, locking the door and putting an Enya CD on.

ME: Shit. What's the second reason?

BRAIN: I am the boss of you and you are my bitch. Now GO!

Yes, I clicked the link. No, I am not proud of myself. It wasn't even the usual sort of shame that comes with this sort of extra curricular activity (you know, when you look at the screen, then at your hand, then back at the screen and wonder what the hell went wrong in your life to make Japanese tentacle porn a viable option?) it was more of a 'Oh God...what have I done?! What sort of monster am I?!' Like I had genuinely inflicted damage on someone. Remember that thing that went about a few years ago “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Think of the kittens.” well it felt as though I had seen the hand of God come down and muder-kill a kitten in front of it's helpless cat-mum then point at me and tell me it was all my fault just as a solitary diamond tear ran down his cheek.

This feeling soon passed though, at which point I gained enough outside perspective to ask; “Who the hell made this? For what purpose?” and after what must have been minutes of speculation, the very best I could come up with was that a hardcore 'Save The Panda' hippie has become so consumed with his frustration that pandas refuse to fuck each other, that the only way for him to exorcise his demons concerning this was to actually film a big, hulking man panda absolutely devastate the personification of innocence itself, sweet little Red Riding Hood. If you have a better theory, please post it in the comments, because I need to have my faith in humanity restored somehow.

The lesson to take from this ream of debauchery? FUCK PANDAS. I don't care if you want to take that literally or metaphorically, but one way or the other, FUCK PANDAS. They are pointless, stupid animals who get far too much money and attention when all they want is to die out. Let the pandas fade away with the little dignity they have left. And no matter what you find yourself having to delete from your browsing history, there is always someone who has to delete worse :)

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