Just a wee short post today so that y'all know that I'm still alive - I would hate to disappoint my bajillions of fans (refreshing the page over and over counts as getting fans, right?)
I am moving out of the family home on Thursday and I have spent today boxing up my room. Amongst some of the awesome finds previously hidden in the depths of my filth, such as a lava lamp and a Gameboy Advance, I found a bag of condoms. Yes you read that right, a god-damned bag full. There must be about 100 condoms of every shape, texture and flavour in this bag. When my initial puzzlement/horror/arousal subsided, I remembered a part of my life I had long since blocked out for my own damn good, and here it is for all to see.
My Gran was a Nurse, and she somehow found out that I was sexually active at some point...it may have had something to do with the round of high-5s that I gave my family whilst thrusting my hips and grinning, but that's not the point. She started bringing me home purple bags filled with condoms, left them on my bed and told me that she'd left me a bag of sweeties. Have you ever delved into a wonka-coloured bag in the hope of chocolate only to discover blueberry flavoured cock-rubber? It is disappointing at best and traumatising at most.
This was my life for a period of time, and when it stopped, my brain was kind enough to do me the service of erasing the memory. Now that is has come flooding back I feel dirty, ashamed, and more looking forward to getting out of here than ever. So swings and roundabouts really.
On a side-note, I have a fuck-tonne of out-of-date flavoured condoms up for grabs if anyone wants them?
Stay protected people, I will be back when I'm settled!
where u movin to? am gonna, "follow" ya ;) lol pith quota of the day met ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm moving to Partick for a month, then hopefully back to south side...we'l see what happens, it's a bit complicated :p well done on the pith my friend, well done :p
ReplyDeleteHey if my grandmother had left me condoms I'd of been more than happy to put them to use. Instead I got the classic "shame shame keep your penis in your pants shame shame" deal and no condoms. Which left me afraid to bang and ashamed to buy them. Until I got a bit older that is :P
ReplyDeleteNow that you're older it's much more like pride tha shame :p
DeleteI don't know man, I had the liberal parents and it's left me pretty scarred...there are some conversations you should just never have with your parents!